I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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