I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just pee around me
You're a waste of cheezeits
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
