It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
