Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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