i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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