I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
