she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
ttyl tear gas
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
