somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
