Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
