hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
