I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
