Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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