She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I think my moral compass just broke
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
