I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
