I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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