my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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