I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How does one acquire holy water?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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