his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
