is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize