Whatcha textin bout Willis?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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