three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
