So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
