you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
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you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
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Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize