at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
