I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
