I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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