i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
