I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
