You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize