Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
