why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
