I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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