so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
