if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
