oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Randomize
