I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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