Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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