he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
it's like iHOP with fire
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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