I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
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