i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
