he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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