I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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