She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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