Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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