Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Let's get the cat blown out
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
