Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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