A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
