look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
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