i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
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the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
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Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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