Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
