I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
