first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
